I went to jail two days ago.
I feel like I’m on the brink of a psychological breakdown.
Baby, I was just riding through your city with a dancer.
Sittin’ with someone questionable lookin’ for answers.
I get with girls with bad reputations when I hopeless.
Who knew I’d ride by your apartment and you’d notice.
So you text me like “Dude, I hate seeing cars like yours,
With a guy inside riding around with five whores.
Because I know you’d never do that.
It’s crazy how bad I want you back.”
I just close my phone before I get excited.
Because you only say stuff like that when you two are fightin’.
In your city I’m a nobody, but in my city I’m a titan.
I’m one of the few that everybody is likin’,
And they love me for who I am when you loved me for my potential.
So all the words we trade end up sentimental.
And this paper, I gotta get it.
So when I have to accept never loving again, I can pay the consequences.
Let me break it down for you.
I mean no hard feelings towards you.
But I’m going to love every girl like I did before you,
And hope that I can remain loyal.
You know I don’t mean trouble.
You can ride through town one day, we can lay in the dark and cuddle.
No strings, no feelings, just reminiscing.
About how much we’ve been missing, since you’ve been gone.
Since you been gone, since you been gone.
Since you’ve been gone, I aint felt the same since.
I wake up, go to work, chase paper and I pay rent.
I’ve been burnin’ time waitin’ for you to come back.
Just kiddin’ man, fuck that.
Because you were my babygirl,
But superwoman found her kryptonite and now she can’t change the world.
I drive a better car, I got a better job.
Say you just want to be friends, girl you better stop.
So I do I need to break it down now?
I’m just your shrink when you start breaking down now.
Life’s a game, were coaches trying to play it out.
Life’s just a journey, I guess it’s time I’m changing routes,
There’s no reason for me to even stay around.
I love you and all, but it’s so hard to say it now. (x2)
Addiction is tricky.
For example: A man who quit smoking for 11 years spent 15 seconds in an elevator with a man smoking a cigarette. He gave in.
So what happens when I run into you ten years from now in an elevator? What happens when you call my phone and for the first 15 seconds, I ignore it. What about the next fifteen seconds before it goes to voicemail? What happens when I pick up an old scribble in a notebook that I jotted about you and spend five minutes reading it? What happens when our kids go to school together and I run into you at an open house? What happens in 15 seconds could change the rest of my life.
Or.. I could just walk out the fucking elevator.
Nope. Just been feeling bad.
Everyone makes mistakes. It happens. When it rains, you have to keep your head up and try to find your way through it. Don’t sit there, getting cold and wet. Mistakes are mistakes, not permanent.
I’m just tired. Tired of empathising with your pity story. Tired of hearing a girl who needs love ignore the guy who has loved her since the day he met her.
You want a boy like me. Congratulations. You found someone who gets it. Why do I need to know about him? Why do you even want me relevant in your life? I want so bad to just spill my guts, but it’s not even worth it. It’s not worth it to ruin the fun. You send mass snapchats to all your friends and I don’t reply. I don’t want to spike another urge to talk to me. As if me being your “friend” vouches me as a plaything. You say you love me, but don’t mean shit.
If you love me like you say you do, then why toss me to the wolves and torture me with the idea that you’re moving fifty miles away to be with a guy who’s lucky enough to hold you at night? Why even bring it up at all? Why do I need to know who he is?
Is this your last “Fuck You”? Is this your last way of getting me back for shattering your heart when I did? Because, honestly, I could build you back up ten times stronger than any guy you’re going to fall into would.
I sometimes want to confess it all to you, to scream at you for being so damned confusing. But it wouldn’t matter. You stopped caring for anyone so long ago. Your boyfriend turned hipster and you turned numb. I thought at one time that I could be your superhero.
But what’s Batman without a Gotham wanting to be saved?
I’m starting to get severe migranes and I constantly feel lightheaded. My brain has been in a fog for months. I can’t focus or barely stay awake. But everyone keeps telling me that I’m twenty and that I shouldn’t be complaining, that nothing’s wrong and that I’ll be fine.
I’m really scared because my doctor won’t even listen. He just throws pills at me for dizziness or headaches. My parents say I’m a hypochondriac.
All I can think about is what happens if I actually have a brain tumor and they find it, but it’s too late?