And in one moment, my heart is completely ripped out, beating and thrown on the ground. I never thought that someone else could put me into such a weak mind state with a few simple words. I feel empty, alone and broken. I shouldn’t have ever tried to make peace. Because with peace, came a war in my mind.

I shook hands with the one person I’ve hated in my life.

With every ounce of energy I had, I extended my hand and broke the hatred and intentional silence that surrounds the both of us. He took it as if it were worthless and shook it aimlessly, resuming his interaction with our “mutual friends”.

From the moment I stepped in the door, I was confident and full of energy. My day has been built around several lectures I partook in, a hardy meal and a few good friends. Blasting music I had just created, living the life of a local musician consumed by the fame of a small city, I stepped into the bright lights of a supermarket to wander aimlessly and catch up with old friends.

There he was, cockily and bastardly trotting down the aisle in front of us, heading directly for me. Destined to blatantly acknowledge that we were beyond this war of silence, I spoke up. He replied only with a witty comment that only endorsed my nostalgic feelings of hatred for him. It was easy to tell that he was a self-absorbed person, prided but not built. He was but a mock house. On the outside he was pretty, dressed up, cocky in stature and attitude, shining bright from underneath these placid lights. But once you entered the insides, there is nothing to be found but cheap wood and joints. He is simply a frame with little paint buckets and shit lying around inside his empty insides.

I extended my hand is if I were the columned pillar of nature to take away from his fortitude and tear down his walls. He took it with gimp and fake natured confidence.

But as I squeezed, it was viral how my body reacted.

 Instead of ripping off his secure face and showing that I was the strong, centered one.. I suddenly shattered. The pores of his hands seemed to suck every last drop of my soul out. My chest caved in and instantly my stomach churned. If it wasn’t for the huge stance I took to take his hand, my knees might have buckled and sent me to the floor. Every memory I had associated with him suddenly flooded my mind and it was as if I had died inside.

He let go limply, and fell back into conversation as if it didn’t phase him. But of course he didn’t understand. You see, this is my first loves boyfriend. The same of which has cheated on her several times. The one she left me for.

And she’s still there.

Several times she’s called me, telling me she wasn’t happy. I don’t know much about her any more. She’s nothing more than a stranger. No feelings really surround her name or her image. I don’t reminisce of her or think of what we could have been, blah blah, whatever hurt people do. That deep cut has healed and I’ve fallen in love again since. I’m not sure what happened, but I still feel like I’ve been shot. Like a wounded animal, I stumbled home and here I lay in my bed feeling shattered. 

But my question is… What happened?

Why?

 

• A knife.
• A bottle of water.
• A poncho.

And a condom.

.. Because were fucked.

Sleepyhead.